The sound of a broken heart

Once again I have let that man break my heart. Tonight I told him that I was not mad that I was disappointed and hurt by him. His response, "Y because I would not go out to get something to eat with you because I was driving for 7 hours and did not want to go out any were." Which I then responded with the following:

"No because I can't for the life of me figure you out... For the last year I have wanted to be with you and you have been so back and forth with me... For 3 months we were together (or at least that's what I thought) and then you stopped speaking to me for nearly 3 months...then we start talking again but you act like you don't want to be seen anywhere in public with me or that you don't want anyone to know that you talk to me...It seems like the only time you want to spend time with me is when you want something...and you know what I'm getting at there...Don't get me wrong I love spending time with you but I'm tired of feeling like some "secret" that you have to keep..And then when people do ask what is up with us I never know what to tell them...I look dumb because when I'm there with you it's almost like we are together but I know you've never said we are or we've never talked about it so I have to say I don't know...Louie I can't keep going on not knowing how you feel about me... I told you a few months back that I love you and I meant that.. But you have yet to tell me the real reason you stopped talking to me and every time I see you it kills me because I have to know...I need to know what was so wrong with me or what I did to make you not want to talk to you.. I thought I was doing what I could at the time to be there for you and it broke my heart what you did...It still does... All I'm asking for is an explanation... I want to be important in someones life and I thought that someone was you... I'm not asking for every waking minute of every day but I would like to know that I am wanted for more than one thing every other week...I've had a lot of time to thing about what has happened between us over the last almost year or so and I can't seem to piece everything together... I loved hearing about your vacation but it seemed like when I tried to talk to you about my life you could care less... You stared off at the TV while I talked...And I guess I do talk alot but I don't have many people to talk to like that.. I just wanted to share my excitement with you and you acted like it didn't matter or that I was stupid and that hurt so much...please tell me..."

Well apparently honesty gets you nowhere except deleted off someones friends list (trivial I know but it has meaning) and no response to the person you just poured your heart out to. I don't understand and I can't get past that. I need to understand what I did to this person, I need to know why....But more than that I need to know once again what am I doing wrong? I can't take the sound of my own heart breaking any longer. It hurts...emotionally and physically..All I wanted was an answer...I deserve that...I didn't deserve what I got or what I've been getting for the past year...How can someone treat someone like that? As I sit here in tears thinking how friggin' pathetic I must look I can't help but think that the sound of a broken heart is so many different things...It's tears streaming down a face, it's sniffles from a running nose, it's the ticking of a clock as the pain subsides, it's the voices in my head saying "This is YOUR fault...No this is HIS fault, etc.", its a small prayer sent up pleading with God to make it go away and then knowing that He didn't do this to me..I did this to me...I put myself there and made these choices...But maybe God did put him in my path so I would find out that I am a TREASURE and not a TARGET...but I don't feel like a sparkling treasure right now...I feel like that target...Big and full of holes from the various people who have put them there....And the realization that those holes have to be filled in before I can feel like the treasure that I am....But where do I start and what do I use to fill them in? I have to figure out this forgiving thing...I have to fill in the holes and make the sound of a breaking heart stop....It's deafening....