PTL

My OB/GYN called today and said that my biopsy was clear and I am fine....WOO HOO NO CANCER...Amazing....Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and prayers....God is good

Why

I was confronted tonight with the fact that I am not being who I am supposed to be...But here's my question? How in the hell did I get to this point? Why? That's all I can come up with is WHY and HOW? Please God explain to me....This isn't me..This isn't who I am supposed to be... How could I have become this person? This mean mean mean person.... And why can I not move past the hurt like they did... Why did everyone else move on except me...I don't want to get over it... I don't want to accept it... I want answers..I want to be loved...I want to know that I'm wanted and needed... Why doesn't anyone understand? Why and How? I need to be that person I was... I hate this person...I HATE this person.... I can't do this.... The world is spinning and I can't make it stop... Please make it stop for just a second so I can be that person I was... I cannot believe I have caused so much pain and hurt... I can't believe what people are saying.... WHY and HOW? Oh God I plead with you to make it go away....please...please...please...make it go away...

Just a quick note..

I received the results of a PAP exam I had a few weeks ago and my doctor advised me that I had some abnormal cells show up and he is having me follow up with an OB/GYN for additional testing. I'll have this done on October 15th and it may involve a biopsy of the cells. I am scared to death of the results but I know that God is in control and there's nothing more I can do right now except pray. I ask you if your reading this to please send up a little prayer for me. I am planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I will keep you updated!!

Sometimes the little things...

Today was an amazing day....yet so simple at the same time. Recently I've been thinking about how much I would like to see something truly majestic...something beautiful in the world. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to see but I knew it had to be majestic. Well this morning I believe I got a glimpse of that. I woke up early (530am to be exact) today and started my day with a beautiful smile from Parker. What better way to start the day!! I dropped him off at school and headed to the hospital. Now don't panic...several weeks ago I had a yearly check up with my physician and he decided to send me for blood work and x-rays. See I've gained what I perceive as an excessive amount of weight since having Parker and this has begun to concern me. I've had some other symptoms that I (and others) feel may be a result of an under active thyroid. I've also had some lower back pain and soreness in my left foot. Okay so I head off to St Vincents (after putting this off for three weeks) to have blood drawn and x-rays done. I'm nervous about the blood drawing and have that "yucky" feeling in my stomach. I've prayed about today and asked God to calm my nerves. Well I park and head into the building only to realize I'm in the wrong one. Well my first instinct is to get flustered and frustrated. But I pause a moment and think "No I can do this"..So I keep going until I reach the lobby where a very sweet girl directs me across the breeze way to the next (and correct) building. I proceed on in my short but meaningful journey. I reach the doors that lead out to the breezeway and as I walk through the doors I am greeted by pure beauty. See the hospital is situated right on the river facing the east and it's the most amazing sight at 6:55 in the morning. I slow my walk to take it in(of course I'm in NO hurry to have my blood drawn). The sun is coming up over the water which is very still and quiet. There aren't many people and the ones that are there are hurrying along. It's almost as if I am the only person seeing this. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "STOP...just stop a moment and see this!" but I don't. I relish in the moment and proceed on. I head up stairs to the lab which I believe opens @ 7am but does not open until 730am. So I sit in the hallway and have a pleasant conversation with a very nice older woman who is also waiting. When the lab opens we are the first two in and the woman who took my blood was wonderful and didn't hurt me one bit. I then head down to the Imaging Center and of course the x-rays were harmless. It's been a good day so far and it's only 8:30. Now as I'm walking out the doors and back across the breezeway I'm in forward motion headed to the doors leading to the next building and the parking garage...Got to get to work, got to get to work...But suddenly something makes me turn and head to the walk way that runs along the river. There is a railing and I walk quite meaningfully towards it. I stop there and just breathe. I take in the warmth of the sun, the smell of the morning and the stillness of nature. And then I stood right there and I PRAYED...I prayed to God and thanked him that I woke up this morning and I was breathing. I asked him to be with our family during these recent struggles..but mainly I praised him for showing me something MAJESTIC. It wasn't the mountain or valley or vast landscape or even ancient architecture that I had been imagining over the last few weeks...but there it was right there in front of me and....It was better.

As I made my way into the next building and down the halls of the hospital I'm taking it all in and realizing that I LOVE this place. I know this is a strange statement but I had this feeling...like I belong there. Not as a patient but an employee (physical therapist to be exact). I love the smell, the sounds, the feeling...I love it all. I couldn't help but smile at everyone who passed me and I had an extra pep in my step. And then as I was walking towards the parking garage I passed a young girl in the hallway who from what I could tell had Downs Syndrome. But the part that got me was the way she was laughing out loud very randomly as if someone was telling her a joke in her ear every few steps and no one else knew but her. For me it was a peaceful moment and I thought to myself "GOD is in this building today...he's making her laugh and he gave me peace." And all of this before 9am....HE is truly amazing.

The Tool Box

As I sit here in our hot house contemplating how long we have to suffer in this heat I can only believe that God will handle this but...Parker says God will fix it if he has tools. What an amazing statement from a four year old...TOOLS. Of course tools are necessary to fix things...we can't fix something with will power alone. We have to rely on the tools that God has given us...faith, hope, love and the power of prayer. So we're pulling out our spiritual tool box and fixing this. Wish us luck...wait we don't need luck...we have FAITH in God.

My friend....thank you

Thank you...for reminding me that my trials in life are so trivial to those who are battling for life. Thank you...for showing me just how selfish my last blog must sound. Thank you...for not judging me because of that last blog. Thank you...for continuing to show me a God who is good ALL the time..in the good times and the bad. And thank you..for being you...the girl I have come to love and trust so much and who has made a huge impact on my life and will forever be my friend.


You know who you are

The sound of a broken heart

Once again I have let that man break my heart. Tonight I told him that I was not mad that I was disappointed and hurt by him. His response, "Y because I would not go out to get something to eat with you because I was driving for 7 hours and did not want to go out any were." Which I then responded with the following:

"No because I can't for the life of me figure you out... For the last year I have wanted to be with you and you have been so back and forth with me... For 3 months we were together (or at least that's what I thought) and then you stopped speaking to me for nearly 3 months...then we start talking again but you act like you don't want to be seen anywhere in public with me or that you don't want anyone to know that you talk to me...It seems like the only time you want to spend time with me is when you want something...and you know what I'm getting at there...Don't get me wrong I love spending time with you but I'm tired of feeling like some "secret" that you have to keep..And then when people do ask what is up with us I never know what to tell them...I look dumb because when I'm there with you it's almost like we are together but I know you've never said we are or we've never talked about it so I have to say I don't know...Louie I can't keep going on not knowing how you feel about me... I told you a few months back that I love you and I meant that.. But you have yet to tell me the real reason you stopped talking to me and every time I see you it kills me because I have to know...I need to know what was so wrong with me or what I did to make you not want to talk to you.. I thought I was doing what I could at the time to be there for you and it broke my heart what you did...It still does... All I'm asking for is an explanation... I want to be important in someones life and I thought that someone was you... I'm not asking for every waking minute of every day but I would like to know that I am wanted for more than one thing every other week...I've had a lot of time to thing about what has happened between us over the last almost year or so and I can't seem to piece everything together... I loved hearing about your vacation but it seemed like when I tried to talk to you about my life you could care less... You stared off at the TV while I talked...And I guess I do talk alot but I don't have many people to talk to like that.. I just wanted to share my excitement with you and you acted like it didn't matter or that I was stupid and that hurt so much...please tell me..."

Well apparently honesty gets you nowhere except deleted off someones friends list (trivial I know but it has meaning) and no response to the person you just poured your heart out to. I don't understand and I can't get past that. I need to understand what I did to this person, I need to know why....But more than that I need to know once again what am I doing wrong? I can't take the sound of my own heart breaking any longer. It hurts...emotionally and physically..All I wanted was an answer...I deserve that...I didn't deserve what I got or what I've been getting for the past year...How can someone treat someone like that? As I sit here in tears thinking how friggin' pathetic I must look I can't help but think that the sound of a broken heart is so many different things...It's tears streaming down a face, it's sniffles from a running nose, it's the ticking of a clock as the pain subsides, it's the voices in my head saying "This is YOUR fault...No this is HIS fault, etc.", its a small prayer sent up pleading with God to make it go away and then knowing that He didn't do this to me..I did this to me...I put myself there and made these choices...But maybe God did put him in my path so I would find out that I am a TREASURE and not a TARGET...but I don't feel like a sparkling treasure right now...I feel like that target...Big and full of holes from the various people who have put them there....And the realization that those holes have to be filled in before I can feel like the treasure that I am....But where do I start and what do I use to fill them in? I have to figure out this forgiving thing...I have to fill in the holes and make the sound of a breaking heart stop....It's deafening....

One to Forgive...John

Parker's dad? I would love to say he's some amazing guy who like died fighting for our country or something but that would be a lie (and I couldn't be that lucky)...No unfortunatley he is a big time loser who hasn't had anything to do with his son in over 2 years...I met John in 2003 through some mutual friends of my parents...He was 9 years older then me and said the right things..I guess I was at a point in my life where I needed to here things like "You're beautiful" and stuff...or so I thought...Well everything was great to begin with and he charmed me into believing many, many things...After a few weeks it started to not feel right but I stuck with it because if you know me you know I don't give up on anything..In hindsight (which as they always say is 20/20) he was a lying, coniving theif...Some how I always ended paying for things..Like the weekend we went to the mountains in Tenessee for my birthday...Happy Birthday to me...I paid for the gas, the food, the hotel and mysteriously the souveniers from the Indian reservation...Well things only went down hill from there.. He would dissapear for days at a time with no call or anything..And my stupid ass (I can say that since it's me I'm talking about...LOL) would sit around and wait for him to come home or call me...Little did I know he was running around on me half the time and the other half he was spending with the children (3 girls) from his previous relationship (a woman who he claimed to despise)...He admitted to be married and divorced twice before...There were other things but they're not worth getting into to..He also became increasing abusive to me...Not physically (been there done that...knew better) but emotionally/mentally...He would make me believe I wasn't good enough for anyone else... He was horrible to me...But yet I stayed...Well the last straw came in January 2004 (we started dating in August)...He asked to borrow $40 from me and once again I agreed because for some reason I just couldn't leave.. Well that night (we did everything at night) we went to the gas station to get the cash..Well I was in my pajamas and of course he wasn't letting me out of the truck like that so he took my ATM card and my pin and proceeded to go get the money...Well he somehow didn't get a receipt...The next morning something told me to check my balance...He had not only take the $40 (in the first transaction) but he then took another $100 in a second...To this day he denies stealing from me...Well I'd had enough and finally gave up... And then Parker came along...about 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant...When I told him he made me take a test with him present (like I would lie about that) and then he disappeared..I spent 9 very long months alone... I went to Dr's appointments alone, found out the sex of my baby alone..Everything I did on my own two feet...And you know what it made me stronger...When it got close to my due date I tried for weeks to reach him and mysteriously noone knew where he was...Well he finally called about a week before Parker was due and gave a number to reach him at...I called the morning I went into labor around 3am and he didn't show up at the hospital until 9am...He told me he had to make sure his ex's girls got off to school okay...Well I ended up having an emergency C Section and being the bigger person that I try to be I let him be in the operating room with me...He cut the umbilical cord, video taped the birth, everything...But then he was gone and spent the remaining 3 days alone..again (I'm really starting to feel you on the whole ALONE thing)...For the next year of Parker's life I tried to mend our broken relationship for the sake of our son...But after a year I had had enough..The abuse got even worse to the point where I was a nervous wreck ALL of the time..If I left the house without my cell phone I'd have to go back and get it because if he called and I didn't answer I would have to answer for it later and that was NEVER pretty...I wouldn't eat and it was not only affecting me but it affected my son...and that is where I finally said enough is enough...By the end of the year we were not speaking much but I still let him see his son...I didn't believe in taking his son from him just because we weren't together...Then in April of 2006 he saw Parker for the last time...We got into it and he tried to snatch my son out of my truck..Later that month he called and asked to give up his rigths... I refused to draw up papers and we left it at that...He swore that I had taken his son from him and convinced his mother of the same..Later that year in July he called and asked to see his son but come to find out he really just wanted to see me... He never ever made it about Parker..and that was the problem...Well since that day in July 06 we have not seen or heard from him...And believe me we are so much better off that way..Parker simply tells people he doesn't have a Daddy right now and he's perfectly content with that...I have considered taking his rights away so that some day when I am married Parker could possibly be adopted if he wanted to but out of fear of him I don't...To this day I watch my back...I don't think he would really do anything but you can never be sure...He has never paid child support and I have never taken him to court for it again out of fear of him... I know in my heart I did the right thing and my son is better off for it but it's hard on Fathers Day and other times when a little boy needs his dad...So that's the story...I know that was a lot to share with you but I felt that by knowing the whole story that you might understand who I am and what makes me that way...

So here goes nothing....

So I've let the powers that be (by this I mean Allison) suck me into this word of blogging. I have decided this would be a good outlet for my process of forgiving and living (such as the name says). I'm not sure how good I will be at this but the way I see it I'm not going to be a worse off right? Lord lets hope not...LOL!! Well here's blog #1 done and complete. I'm sure more will come to me as I journey down this road to finding out who I am and sharing that with the world. Until next time....